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Happy April Fool’s, Ya Poor Bastard
Copyright (c) 2019 James Miehoff, All Rights Reserved.
This work may not be published whether for fee or free without this copyright.
This is one of a series of stories set in what I call Universe-J. Universe-J is very much like this universe with a few exceptions.
First the people tend to be a little more sexual and less hung up on sex that they are in our universe. This does not mean that monogamy is the exception. James and Heather were monogamous for a significant amount of time before they “accidentally” swapped partners.
Second the repercussions of unprotected sex are less severe than our universe. Not to say that STDs and unexpected pregnancies don’t occur, just that they occur less frequently and in the case of STDs, a good shot of antibiotic will put you right again. HIV has yet to be introduced so STDs aren’t a death sentence there.
Lastly, pedophilia and incest (which I will not be writing about) are virtually unknown. Children are to be protected and loved not abused. When they reach the age of consent, they can join in the adult games if they so desire, but there is no pressure on them to do so.
[Author’s Note: This is a significant departure from my usual stories. There is not a lot of sex and the subject is much darker than my usual material. Like duct tape and most people, I have a light side and a dark side and once in a while the dark side takes the joystick and flies the ship over the wall.
You have been warned.]
Phil woke up screaming. His left foot was bent in a perfect arc from the cramp in the arch of that foot. The agony was most intense and delicious, if you are into pain. Unfortunately, Phil was not.
He kicked off the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand up. The muscle cramp shifted and then settled into a waiting game as he tried to figure out what to do.
Then the alarm went off.
‘FUCK!’ went one of the voices in his head.
Phil looked and saw no reaction from the 120 pounds of sleeping wife.
Reluctantly he hobbled over and turned off the alarm, all the while marveling at Nancy’s ability to sleep the sleep of the dead through almost anything, anything but sex.
He poked her arm. Nothing.
He poked her again. Nothing, no reaction.
He slipped a hand around and cupped her breast through the silky nightgown. At last, a reaction, she moved her arm and pulled his hand away.
“I’m awake. I’m awake. You can stop fondling me,” she said crossly.
“You wanted me to make sure I got you up before I left,” he said.
Nancy slid her long and very sexy legs (at least in Phil’s opinion) out of the bed, flashing him a glimpse of her cooter before she pulled the errant nightgown down. Standing up she stepped right on Phil’s left foot, smashing his arch down and releasing the cramp. Continuing she walked right past his penis, which was still very erect in the morning wood state, and headed straight for the bathroom.
Phil was still standing there when she came out of the bathroom and peeled her nightgown off and tossed it to him before she turned and started the shower. His penis throbbed a little at the sight of his naked wife. Turning he threw the nightgown on the bed and started to head into the bath area, just in time to get hit with the shower door as Nancy stepped in.
“Sorry,” she called out. “I didn’t see you sneaking up on me.”
“No problem,” he said rubbing his nose.
The sight of his wife in the shower continued to excite him, but he had to pee. Stepping into the toilet area he savored the feeling of his morning pee until it was just dribbling. He had been stroking himself and so when he stepped out after flushing, he was still as hard as before.
Just as he cleared the door, Nancy stepped out and grabbed a towel off the warming rack and headed to stand on the rug in front of her sink.
Glancing back at Phil’s condition, she thought, ‘Still got it babe!’ and allowed herself a little smile.
Seeing his wife’s backside, Phil stepped up and took one end of the towel and began to dry her back. When he was done, he bent down to kiss her neck. She sighed and pushed her ass back at him signaling that if he wanted some action he had better get busy.
‘Hot damn!’ went one of the pesky voices in his head as he grabbed the bottle of lube.
Applying a liberal glob to his hand he swiped some across the head of his manhood and applied the rest to his wife’s feminine parts. Grabbing his throbbing erection he guided it into the Promised Land and slowly pressed home.
As he worked kartal escort bayan his way fully in, his thumb lightly brushed across the crinkled pucker of his wife’s other hole. Getting no reaction, he continued to stroke it and then feeling particularly bold or just plain horny, he pressed forward with his thumb and felt it sink in without complaint.
‘Double hot damn!’ said that pesky voice.
Getting into it, he began stroking his penis and his thumb together in and out of her holes getting more and more excited.
Until, in his excitement, he pulled his penis back too far and slipped out.
Nancy’s heels hit the floor with a distinct thud and she turned quickly pulling his thumb out as well.
“You are not fucking my ass,” she said in a ‘don’t bother to beg’ tone of voice as she stomped over to grab a washcloth and wiped the lube off.
The mood shattered, Phil just stood there holding himself as his erection evaporated. Slumping his shoulders, he headed for the shower hoping that soaping himself might revive his fortunes and allow him to get off. It didn’t help.
By the time he was out of the shower, his wife was dressed and gone. Sighing, Phil got dressed and collected his laptop and stuffed it in his backpack.
On the way to the car, another of the voices in his head laughed and called out, ‘Packing your backpack, just like a good little fifth grader, eh Phil?’
He mentally flipped the voice the bird.
All the way to the office Phil had a running debate with himself.
‘The presentation is good. You don’t need to do this. Go golf. Relax. You will do great in the presentation tomorrow.’
‘You need to work on the wording on the third slide. It’s too passive. You need to punch it up.’
As he sped up to pass a drunk weaving his car across three lanes another voice chimed up, ‘That guy has the right idea. Go get a beer and relax.’
‘No. You need to make the colors on the table on page 12 look better. That blue is really wimpy.’
Phil got off the freeway and drove the dozen blocks to his office only vaguely aware of the light traffic around him. At last he put his turn signal on and prepared to turn into the parking garage when a vague sense of danger made him start to look to his right.
** CRASH **
When Phil regained consciousness, the world was wrong. At first he blamed it on the fact that there were two of everything, but when he closed his left eye, the world still looked wrong. After a few more seconds he realized that it was because his car was upside down and he was hanging from his seat belt.
Just then, there was a grinding noise and his car flipped over, back onto the tires. He watched as a large hook tore part of his fender off.
‘Insurance company is gonna be pissed,’ said one of the voices.
Just then a couple of men in fireman outfits ran up to his car and some kind of cutters began tearing a hole in the roof of his car.
‘Insurance company is gonna be really pissed,’ said another of the voices.
Phil reached over and unlocked the door and opened it.
The first fireman shot a stern look at the second one, who was holding the hoses. The second fireman just shrugged as the first stopped trying to turn Phil’s car into a convertible.
“You ok, dude?” the first fireman asked.
Phil just nodded, still in shock.
“Just sit still. The EMS guys are bringing a stretcher. They are going to take you to the hospital,” said the first fireman as he pulled the Jaws of Life out of the roof of Phil’s car.
Phil nodded again.
The EMS guys got Phil out of the car and onto the stretcher without too much more damage. As long as you don’t count the extra knock on Phil’s head when they lifted him up and bashed it on the frame of his car. Or the smashed up right knee when they dropped him and he smashed that knee on the pavement before they caught him.
A cop caught up to him before they shoved him into the ambulance. The cop was sympathetic, but needed to know if Phil knew what happened. Phil shook his head and regretted it. The cop regretted it more when Phil puked on his shoes.
As the world swirled around him, he heard the cop asking somebody else something and only heard the reply, “It was a big white truck. You know the kind with 2 big wheels on the back. It was flying along and just smashed that car and flipped it over, then kept on going. A real crash and dash.”
Phil didn’t hear the question, but the reply was, “No. It just had one of those paper plates on it, like dealers put on new cars, except this truck was anything but new. It was dented all over.”
A female voice added, “And the whole back escort maltepe was loaded with bricks. It looked like 3 or 4 pallets of brand new bricks.”
As Phil looked over, he saw a kid hanging around the front of what was left of his car. Typical thug wanna be. Grey hoodie, pants down to his knees showing off his polka dot boxers. Suddenly the kid reached into the front seat of Phil’s car and came up with Phil’s backpack and quickly ran away.
“Stop him!” Phil yelled. “Stop that son of a bitch! He just stole my backpack.”
“Easy guy,” the smaller EMS guys said.
“No, you don’t understand. My computer is in that backpack. It has a year’s worth of my work on it. I need it for my presentation to the board tomorrow. If I don’t have it, I’ll be fired,” screamed a frantic Phil.
The big EMS guy stepped up to Phil’s other side and Phil felt a sting on his arm he looked over and saw the EMS guy removing something and suddenly it didn’t seem to matter anymore. In fact, it was time for a nap.
Once they loaded Phil into the back of the ambulance, the smaller EMS guy asked Phil a bunch of questions and took his vitals while the bigger guy drove to the nearest hospital ER.
They were met by a resident who took over and continued asking Phil questions.
“Sunday, March 31, 2019.”
“I don’t know. My watch seems to be gone. It was about 10:30 when I was turning into my office parking lot.”
“I don’t remember. My wife just got a new cell phone and she got a new number this time. Get my phone out of my backpack and I can get you her number.”
“Oh. They didn’t? That’s right, damn it! That kid stole my backpack from my car while they were putting me in the ambulance.”
“No. We don’t have a home phone number. We gave it up as a waste of money. Everybody calls our cell phones anyway.”
“Can I have a nap now? I’m really sleepy.”
When he woke up, Phil could hear Nancy’s voice in the hall. He couldn’t move his hands, they seemed to be tied down and he had tubes sticking into the backs of both hands. There was an annoying beeping coming from his left and he could see that he was plugged into a heart and breathing monitor. The beeping was his heart rate.
He heard Nancy’s voice again as she raised her voice in frustration, “All right. I will be back in the morning, but only for a little while. One of us has to go to work tomorrow.”
Phil tried to call out, but there was a tube in his throat and he could only make gurgling noises.
A couple of minutes later, two guys came in and saw he was awake. The tall guy went to the door, but turned and said, “Too late. She’s gone.”
The other guy shrugged and turned to Phil saying, “Good evening. I’m Doctor Michael and this is your nurse Ted. How are you doing? Don’t try to talk, just nod or shake your head.”
“Good,” Michael said. “I’m afraid you had an allergic reaction to the sedative the EMS guys gave you and we had to restrain you. If you are better in the morning, we can undo the restraints, but for now, it is safer for you and us if you can’t pull your IV tubes out or kick us anymore.”
“I’m going to put this in your right hand. It’s the call button. It will ring at the nurse’s station and somebody will be right down to check on you,” Ted said in a gentle soothing voice. “Ok?”
Michael took over saying, “You had a nasty knock on the head. Probably the window when you were hit. You have a mild concussion, but nothing serious. There was no swelling and no signs of intracranial bleeding. The knee is bruised up pretty badly, but again, doesn’t seem life threatening. There did not seem to be any broken bones, just some minor contusions and a few other bruises. All in all, you were a very lucky fellow.”
Phil shook his head.
“Yes you are,” Ted replied. “You’ll be out of here in a few days. Probably on crutches. But considering the pictures I saw on the news. Wow. You are lucky to be alive.”
“We’ll get out of your hair, now. Remember if you feel funny or need anything, just press the button,” said Michael as they walked out of the room.
Phil tried to relax and ran his eyes around the room. There was the obligatory TV, which thank god was not on. Phil hated Sunday night TV more than anything in the world.
He continued to inventory his surrounding with his eyes when he noticed the white board. At the top was the name of the hospital and he almost screamed when he read the name. It was out of network.
‘Fuck me,’ cried out a new voice in his head. ‘That new health insurance pays dick if you go out of network.’
Phil closed his pendik escort eyes and let his head slump back. Nothing he could do about it now. He turned his head to the other side and saw the stereotypical big round clock on the wall saying it was 10:30. It had only been 12 hours ago and his life was rolling merrily along. Now look at it.
Since he couldn’t talk, Phil started thinking as loudly as he could, ‘I am strapped into a hospital bed. I have tubes in both arms. A big fat mother fucking tube down my throat so I can’t talk. My car is totaled. A year’s worth of my life is probably sitting in a pawnshop getting the hard drive wiped. I will be a no show to the board meeting tomorrow and will probably get fired. I am in the wrong hospital and the insurance probably won’t cover more than 20% of this. I feel like — yikes –‘
The last was occasioned by the automated blood pressure cuff starting up and squeezing on his arm.
Phil started to laugh once he realized what it was and regretted it instantly. That tube in his throat was a harsh mistress.
Time crawled by and Phil was left with his thoughts. ‘I almost wish I could turn the TV on rather than keep rehashing today anymore.’
Just then Ted came back in. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Phil shook his head.
“Ok,” said Ted. “I’m going on short break but somebody will be at the nurse’s station if you need anything.”
Ted turned and was gone.
Phil was really dying to get his hand free. ‘That itch in my knee is going to kill me,’ he thought as he tried to find a way to itch it. He moved the leg trying over and over again. Finally he was able to rub it on the bed railing and get some relief.
It was right about then, unbeknownst to Phil or anyone else, a small chunk of the bruise in his knee broke loose and went swirling its way into his great saphenous vein on the way to the heart. Amazingly it survived the turbulence of the heart and headed for the lung.
After nearly getting stuck in a capillary in the lung, the clot headed back through the heart and headed out into the arteries.
Glancing at the clock, Phil could see that only an hour had passed. It was going to be a long night. A thought struck him, ‘maybe they could give me a sleeping pill. That’s it. I’ll ask Ted when he comes back.’
Just about then the clot got wedged in a small blood vessel and blood flow stopped. As the area around the clot started to die from lack of oxygen, Phil felt a little funny, and he tried to press the call button.
Unfortunately, the clot had landed in the motor control of his brain controlling his right side. That was the side with hand that had the button. He thought he had pressed the button, but he really hadn’t.
As Phil lay there feeling strange, a couple more clots broke loose from his knee and spread out through his body. A second clot landed in a section of memory from high school and as those cells began to asphyxiate they fired off weakly and merged with Phil’s hope of someone hearing the call button.
“Hi, I’m Becky. Ted is still on break,” said a perky voice that he should remember was his first high school crush.
“I’ve got an itch,” said Phil.
“I can see that,” said Becky leaning over and having her overly large breasts spill out of her tiny nurse’s uniform.
She pulled back the crisp white sheets and his erection sprung up like spring mounted pole.
“Oh my,” she said as she grasped it with firm but surprisingly soft and silky fingers.
“Mmmm,” said Phil feeling very intellectual in his response.
“We better take care of this,” Becky said as she lowered her mouth and began to lick the head of his manhood.
“Mmmm,’ said Phil.
“Mmmm,” said Becky as she began to slide her mouth over him.
“I feel funny,” said Phil as more blood clots began to land in his brain.
“Mmmm,” said Becky as she slid him deeper and began to lick his balls.
Because of all the teasing in the morning and the tension of the events of the day it didn’t take Phil long to feel his climax coming.
Just before he hit his peak, there was a loud beeping and Becky pulled her mouth off of him and said, “I have to go. There is an alarm somewhere. I’ll be back later.” And she pulled the sheet down over Phil and ran out of the room.
“No don’t go,” said Phil. “It’s getting dark in here. I’m scared. The lights are going out and I can’t see. And it is getting so quiet. Please come back Becky.”
The alarm that had seemed so loud was now just a monotonous tone.
From a long ways away Phil heard Michael and Ted talking with the voices getting softer or further away every second.
“He seemed to be doing so well.”
“Well, call it.”
“Time of death was midnight plus thirty seconds March thirty first. No wait, its April first, twenty nineteen. April Fool’s Day.”
“Happy April Fool’s, ya poor bastard.”
Then nothing more.
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